It happened again!

As the clock struck midnight on New Year’s Eve I got that horrible feeling, the familiar feeling that I felt before on 01/01/2014…. Stomach in knots and an overwhelming feeling of anxiety.

This was not due to the fact at this exact time I was nursing a poorly baby in an isolation room of a hospital (I know it didn’t help) but because it was my bench mark of when I would ‘start thinking about going back to work’.

 

black, teary, puffy eyes with my poorly baby girl on New Years day in hospital

With Bella I spent the full New Year’s Day sobbing to Colin, snotty style crying, that I was closing in on my last few months with Bella. I know sounds a little extreme but I work full time hours (and more) and not the kind that when 5 o’clock comes I grab my bag and leave nor the kind that fits into the ‘well at least you will get peace to enjoy a hot cup of coffee’ (my face normally resembles the gritted teeth style emoji when someone says that and I love my coffee as much as the next sleep deprived mum but that one just doesn’t cut it for me).

Don’t get me wrong, I love my job and the fast pace of it, I love how you can use creative flair and working with so many people, you couldn’t do it if you didn’t enjoy it but 2 hours travel per day plus a 10 hour day (at best), 5 days a week I think it’s understandable why I would be anxious… When will I see my babies?

 

my 1 year old Bella helping mummy get ready in the morning while singing songs. Sure she would be up before 6am anyway

I was going to say I am lucky that I have a stable full time job but I am going to give myself a little credit here as I have worked hard for it, put in more sweat and tears to get to where I am in my career than I did giving birth to both babies.I have been asked more times than ‘are you going to try for a boy?’ if I would like to stay at home with the girls… I would love nothing more than to be with them everyday but it’s just not an option for many reasons, money, the fact I have worked so hard to get to were I am in my career and for my own personal values (well they aren’t too strong, if I win the lottery this week that part will go out the window).

Part time is the dream- the ultimate work/ life balance in my eyes but unfortunately not something that at this time is offered in my job.

I am taking the year maternity, I will never do it again so we will make it work. I feel slightly robbed of 4 months maternity leave by silent reflux.

So here I am, deciding that I won’t let this anxiety eat me up. These days are precious and numbered and I am going to enjoy them with my girls. If there is anything I have learnt in my few short years of motherhood is that we are adaptable creatures, we have to be so I will make it work. I will make sure it does as I am not willing to miss being a key player in my girls lives. I will be at the school gates on the first day of school and the nativity plays because I never want them to look back and think that mummy wasn’t there. I am confident I have got my priorities in place and know I can be there for their childhood and have my career.

when you just want a nice pic and they just want to pull funny faces

Like all part time or full time working mums I will also get to call myself a ‘full time mum’ because that’s one job we never clock out from and just like all stay at home mums, we know that work is very much full time!

Anna xx

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